Cigarette in hand, Portishead on, wet in my towel after a quick unsatisfied shower. Gained weight because I overate. I look myself in the mirror not happy with how I look, do I have body dysmorphia or is this just self-loathing?
I know that I should be taking better care of myself. But still I gave in and lose control.
Feels like an addict but no, I'm not on drugs. This is worse than any drug or alcohol addiction - just as self-destructive. I am unwell.
How I wish I'm strong enough to face this. Life.
Tuesday, August 23, 2016
Sunday, August 7, 2016
Shine bitch!
Disappointment and pain.
Let's write about that, and how these two lead to me being and feeling detached for most things. In particular...my emotions.
I came across a quote shared by a friend prior to writing this. It was about living vs existing; and that is it about all of these corny quotes, it makes you reflect despite how corny it is. So I reflected and came to this. Not being able to feel is like you are not living, though I have some sense of motivation now but it I am still unable to feel as if I'm living this life to its fullest! and I missed that.
Of course I went on the internet and read about how depression and anxiety resulted in detachment amongst its sufferers; this is due to imbalance of serotonin levels in the brain (its always about this serotonin) and these two mental illness often arise from disappointment and pain. (please dont take whatever you read on the net word for word)
Detachment is good for some moments; it is one of my favourite defense mechanism to whatever shitty things that I am facing now. But some part of me misses having emotions.
So here I am, still on this forever journey of recovery looking for that sparkle in my life. However, I noticed that it's easy to look for that sparkle from someone else, hence I am reminding myself to look for that sparkle from within.
Come on! Shine Bitch
Let's write about that, and how these two lead to me being and feeling detached for most things. In particular...my emotions.
I came across a quote shared by a friend prior to writing this. It was about living vs existing; and that is it about all of these corny quotes, it makes you reflect despite how corny it is. So I reflected and came to this. Not being able to feel is like you are not living, though I have some sense of motivation now but it I am still unable to feel as if I'm living this life to its fullest! and I missed that.
Of course I went on the internet and read about how depression and anxiety resulted in detachment amongst its sufferers; this is due to imbalance of serotonin levels in the brain (its always about this serotonin) and these two mental illness often arise from disappointment and pain. (please dont take whatever you read on the net word for word)
Detachment is good for some moments; it is one of my favourite defense mechanism to whatever shitty things that I am facing now. But some part of me misses having emotions.
So here I am, still on this forever journey of recovery looking for that sparkle in my life. However, I noticed that it's easy to look for that sparkle from someone else, hence I am reminding myself to look for that sparkle from within.
Come on! Shine Bitch
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