Was

Was, is a word of the past,
Associated with time and situation that goes so fast,
Reminisced of thy self in back tenses.
So there I was thinking of only one self full of pretenses.

I was young, I was naive,
The cliché words often uttered,
With sentences lingered,
I took but not give.

'If only' are the thoughts of the present,
Still looking backwards I did,
Confusion, guilt and regret
Are often entangled in my mental net.

The steps placed on the ground,
Are easily erased but still I cant rewind,
Can we really know the fore and the hind?
That is why 'was' always linger in my mind.

Revisited

Bonsoir tout le monde.


So again I was missing. I don't know why but I can't get myself to write these days. I have to say that I have a very very fortunate life. Yes, life now is going great and I was given the opportunity to go to Istanbul, which all of you may have know that the land is rich with history. I am not a history buff per se but Istanbul was a fascinating city. And it was the first time that I had encountered an issue called communication break down as I don't speak a word of Turkish.

Yes! My first!

Having been to Istanbul reflected that I have never actually been outside of my comfort zone, places I've visited its either Anglophone or Francophone. I'm not saying that my French is perfect but it's a familiar language. I've been to Holland but everybody seems to speak good English there, hence pas de probleme. But Istanbul.....my my....

Nonetheless, Istanbul is a great city, an old one I must say. Food is great and I have to say on the healthier side (as I observed, not many fast food joint, kudos Istanbul!), attractions are simply AMAZING and for a cat lover like me....it is filled with cats!!! Being a Muslim I have only but one feeling which is proud when I visited Istanbul, to see how amazing the Muslim civilisation there during the Ottoman period is just breathtaking and it is what I'm more salient of. But I'm sure the city could relate to others regardless of beliefs, given that it was held by the Greeks and then the Romans, and how the amazing Hagia Sophia / Ayasofya was previously a massive church during Justinian period and then converted into a mosque when Ottoman came. Its a massive building built thousands of years ago. AH-MAZING!

Yes, one word I can conclude Istanbul is AMAZING!!! And as I was there during winter, I was able to try some of their seasonal delicacies such as Salep and Hamsi. Salep as I would describe it to my friends as a drink that tasted like cinnamon bun/roll and Hamsi is a fish dish, more or less like anchovies which are fried.  And I just figured my ultimate winter comfort food is the Turkish lentil soup. It is so 'yummy in the tummy', I kind of disagree with that expression, it is our taste bud that enjoyed all the delicious taste not our tummy; tummy just feel stuffed, satisfied or hungry.  

As for photos, there are several I took but not much as it was cold and I prefer to let my palms be in my pocket. Yes, despite how many times that I've stayed in cold climate places (nothing extreme btw) I'm still adjusting to the weather.

Okay, back to photos, I will upload it in a separate post as I consider myself a nomad now. And....as an update, I am alive and well in Newcastle. Soon I shall begin my semester and for a moment I think I will neglect this blog once again as I would normally do. If you are able to track my instagram, there's a snippet of photos of Istanbul and several other places I've visited.

As for Newcastle, I was just reading a friend's blog the other day and how he mentioned that coming back to Newcastle for the second time brings a different kind of feeling, there's no longer the excitement as when he felt the first time here. Yes, I can relate to that perfectly as that is what I'm feeling too. However, I am excited for my trip to Leeds tomorrow as I will meet one very cute cheeky boy and a new addition to the family, my two nephews! More or less I will try to be more productive here. Hey! its hard to keep up in this age of technology, I have instagram to upload photos to, facebook to socialise and here to rant. Haha

A la prochaine fois

XX

Finding Balance

Balance...What is balance? Is it fairness? Equality?

One thing I learnt in grad school is that definitions are not constrained to a single idea because people interpret ideas differently and the logic between people varies greatly. Nonetheless, definitions are still important as a guideline for us to study further about a particular issue.

Personally for me, balance is important, not to mention being born into the Libra sign (cliche!) I am all about balance. Libra is visualise or symbolise as a scale and that is what I did today. Jump onto the scale and find myself weighing 56kg. Yes, it is important for me to bear in mind that the numbers on the scale are nothing than just merely numbers and it should never ever dictates other aspects of me. Nevertheless, given my history with eating disorder this kinda disturb me a little bit.

Being at this weight I know that I am going to the overweight direction and I have no other people to blame other than myself because I have been overeating. I am not sure why I can't control myself with food, and also the fact that I am always hungry. And believe me how I've missed being normal and not to analyse and think about food, calories etc.

I am sure how I've let myself to be from one end to another. Previously, I was literally starving myself, and now I can't stop shoving food inside of my mouth. Why I can't find the balance about eating? Therefore, for the month of November, I shall focus solely on finding my balance battling this demon of mine and hope to have a better self control and to fully recover.

Wish me luck. xx 

Happy bean

Beans, good source of protein, the culprit to some gas problems.

One type of bean in particular that makes me hype and happy on this very moment is coffee. Well, not exactly the beans, but basically the caffeine. However, it baffles me a bit that I'm so happy on this very moment and I don't know why. Perhaps it is the after effect of caffeine or perhaps it is just simply that I am content with life, as of now.......I have all the time in the world to solely focus on myself, not the traffic (currently unemployed) and everything else in life seems to flow smoothly.

But I still have this one particular issue I have in mind...but everything seems to be under control and I shall gain control.

As promised, there will be a life update on this post.

And so, as of April 2013, I have gotten  my ass back to my beloved country Malaysia (which I'm glad I did) in attempts to recover and find myself. And another fact that my previous visa was curtailed, thus I have no other choice than coming back home. I did get my life out of control for the first month, party and what not.Then I got a job. Wasn't happy with the first one, then I got another job. However now, I have ended my stint and enjoying a purrrfect holiday before my study commences.

As far as study goes, I admit that I haven't paid much attention to it and I particularly enjoyed life as a bum. This time around I'm pretty confident that I'll nailed it, not that I have that high of expectations of myself, but graduating itself is enough. Getting a distinction will be a bonus, but earning a MA will suffice for me to proceed on to the next chapter in life, which is career.

Currently, I am focusing on rebuilding myself with a stronger sense of control as I've recovered from one thing, but I enjoyed food so much until it kinda get overboard a tiny bit, its okay, it is better to be alive and healthy than thin and depressed. Plus, I'm glad that I am not that obsessive about body image as before and actually focuses on other things in life rather than just that.

I renewed my looks, took better care of myself (apparently this is only accomplishesd while I was at my mom's) and swimming happily with the things i love....piercings!!! Haha, it seems that I might be going to that phase again in life, perhaps looking dark and rebellious is my kinda of thing. It makes me happy though, yeah...totally the opposite of my appearance. But who cares.

And...I have lost my train of thoughts.

My current activity for today, is catching up on watching all these tv series, which actually what inspires me to write more actively. It makes me dream.....So, to end this amazingly boring and full of crap post, I quote Lennon 'You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.'

Keep on dreaming big and go after it! Make it happen.

P/S: Got my visa earlier today, maybe thats why Imma happy bean :)  

Starting new.

Hey guys.

I know that I may not have that much of readers out there, but I'm thinking of revamping all my social medias. Starting new. Since I figured that I sort of have a new voice in writing, and having browse through all my previous posts and is filled with silly things about me, and how people can easily judge how childish and untalented I am in writing.....

It is just a thought I have at the moment. Will have to think it through.....Sleep on it perhaps.  

The little push

Bonjour tout le monde, or should i say bonsoir...

A friend told me that I haven't been writing for quite sometime, and he mentioned it is good for me to keep on writing to get my life and myself in check. I guess he was right. I never really want to be a writer nor do I have the flare in writing, but writing for me is something personal, a way of expressing what I feel or think. Of course part of me is glad that I may not have that much number of page views or I have any fans or any following or what not, or else I will seriously jeopardising myself with whatever crap I put on here. Perhaps that is why I am NOT a writer. Nonetheless, the issue or matter at hand here is the little push that we as human being needs in life.

Well, apart from that 'push' given by a friend, I have spent my weekend watching The Carrie Diaries. Childish as it may seem, but I don't think that the issues highlighted in that series are really that childish. Watching it as a fan of SATC well...Sex and the City to some of you that aren't familiar with the acronym, I enjoyed it. Loved Larissa....uh!! how I wished I could meet my Larissa at the age of 16 and give me the push to pursue my dreams, be my own person and have my own power in my own life. One of the main reason why I love SATC so much is that, the OBVIOUS ladies issues, and how it 'somehow' affirming that I'm not the only one thinks or feel that way. The silly dirty jokes that we all love, the adorable characters but my number one reason is that, its okay to dream, and to go after your dream and its okay to break and fell apart but it is important that we rise back up and pick ourselves again. Well....the theme continues in The Carrie Diaries...keep on dreaming ladies because you never know that it might just come true.

And.....watching Carrie Bradshaw writes, makes me want to write again, another push perhaps? Although, I don't really have anything much to say at the moment, apart from the fact that I have start to live again! Ho yeah! Finding my own self and learning to love myself have become and on going process that will never end. Hey, we are human and thats what we do, we learn and continue to learn until....who knows when. Have I digress so far from the topic now? But think about it guys. It may not be in everything we do that we needed the 'push' but a push is necessary to get life going.

As I was writing the last sentence above, a thought have came to me. Maybe that whatever have occurred to me in the last year was a big push for me, yes it have pushed me straight off cliff until I have to stop everything, regroup myself again to learn and to know myself, not me with anybody, just me as Ilya. I guess such occurrence was the push I needed to learn more about life and to appreciate life itself. And maybe, to appreciate myself better. Believe me, I have never been happier after I've done so, but journey is not ending, this is only the beginning of something amazing.

A la prochaine fois. XX

P/S: I will put up another post on life update next. Looking forward for more uplifting post compared to all these dark and depressing posts previously. I promised! XOXO

Disappointment

Bonsoir.....

Anyhow, I'm dedicating this post from a major disappointment I'm feeling right now. It was just last week that I have made a resolution to make myself better. Nonetheless, my progress in fitness have gone down the drain. I stopped 3rd quarter way through my plyometric cardio circuit. BooHoo!

A resolution I mentioned there? Yes. Ever since I've entered this phase of life, being single again that is, I have manage to occupy myself with myself, as the saying goes...only you can take care of yourself, so do the best for you and not anyone else. Anyhow, the fasting month passed, and we're half way through the month of Syawal. As most Malaysians are aware, the month of Syawal is the month you eat like a monster. LOL at least I did. Perhaps that was the reason behind my bad bad performance. And maybe due to excessive nicotine intake....huff le puff as i called it.

My resolution is fairly simple, I battled with eating disorder, hence recovery is on the list, getting fit and healthy (and this can be achieve through balance diet and insane workout regime) and last but not least, to be more spiritual. I believe that this is the recipe to be happy = lead a healthy balance life. Nevertheless, I am a Libra, hence I'm all about the balance baybeh.

Well, today gotta be a short one. I shall do my plyometric cardio circuit tomorrow and hope for better performance. I have managed to eat half clean today. But at least I didn't eat like a monster today.

A la prochaine fois!

xx

From Sick to Fit

Bonsoir tout le monde.

Prior to writing this post, I was contemplating whether I should dedicate another blog solely on fitness. As written/ mentioned in several of my previous posts, I have been doing insanity for a month now, I have seen result but nothing compared to those in the videos you seen on youtube. This is mainly due to the fact that I did not stick to its nutrition plan. It was hard for me to do so due to all these temptations and fasting month and Eid celebration. I'm not a fitness guru though...

Previously, I have battled with anorexia nervosa, perhaps getting in shape was my way of coping with negative body image. I have come to learn to accept my body how it is and developed a more positive body image. Nonetheless, it is still a learning process for me. I have to say that the way I eat right now is getting better, I have learnt to listen to my body and now I know when I'm full and when I'm hungry. I do eat a lot ever since insanity, and I am not really worried about it as I am not overweight.

Further on fitness, I have noticed that my core strength is slowly diminished, well....it is not as if strength can disappear or suddenly goes invisible, it is just that I felt that I am not as strong as before, when I used to ran for 5k daily. (and also weigh a little less). I wonder what could be the reason, was it the diet? was it the weight? I figured that weight does not really affect it that much as most of the fitness gurus weight a lot more and their body can actually sustain such weight, isn't that why we work on our strength?

Nevertheless, I shall work on my strength further, my previous goal may be to lose weight and be skinny (that was anorexia) but now my focus have shifted to actually perform better in fitness. Let say I am now focusing on being a health enthusiast. Errrrr.....I should really watch what I eat then, not for the sake of how my body looks on the outside, but rather its conditions on the inside. To be honest, recovering from ana, I have consumed pretty much all the carbs, sugar, glutten and what not. I had hella loads of cakes, cookies, peanut butter, all the sugary goodness (???) [I reckon it should be badness] back then. even till now, but as Eid started, I am leaning towards the savoury palate. Which is good I presume???

Hold up! I'm going ADD again on this post, jumping from one topic to another. However, getting in shape for me is more about your fitness performance. I would be lying to say that I have no thoughts on how my body looks, but appearance have become secondary and how fit I am is the main goal now. Currently I do wonder why my core strength weakens when I am doing insanity, just that I don't go for my 5k run any longer. I figured that insanity alone is enough as a workout, the name itself is insanity and if I paired it up with running and such, I'm afraid that I'll get injured.

With reference to my topic up there, from sick to fit. I have to say there's a fine line between sick and fit. I'm not saying I am fit, but I'm working on it. I felt great, confident now to be compared when I was 95lbs, yeah I was skinny, size 0, but all I can think about is food (what can I eat in order not to gain weight), I had no life, even when I was living my dream (studying in the UK) I didn't enjoy it. But now....I'm heavier, looking better, taller by 2cm developed OCD (I like cleaning my room, bathroom, and car) and I am happier, lets just discard the fact that my love life is nonexistent. I am happier. I have no remorse over what I've just eaten, my portion is good, I already know hunger and fullness. I haven't binge and purge. [that's important]

I have more focus in life, I know what I want and working on getting my life on track. Family still thinks that I workout excessively and my uncle saw me earlier today and just mentioned that I don't eat all these stuff (it was a fully loaded carbs and fat meal) but I eat it anyways, just like normal people do. [well people can say whatever they want to, I know that I am the only person to rely on to get better]

All I can say is that, with regards to body image and self love being sick or fit are all in your state of mind. My fitness regime/ workout regime is for fitness sake, as well as I have this 20k obstacle course in less than a week. Working out to be super thin = sick. Shifting that mindset and focusing on how you perform = fit.


XOXO  

My mind.....at the moment

Hello everyone,

Seriously, I had no idea what to write about, just the fact that I felt great after my insanity. Not to mention a couple of days ago i had a meltdown and was ranting like a lunatic on Facebook, bad idea! I know, but somehow I need an outlet, I was so rash (not a bit) that I didnt even consider this medium to rant on.

Nonetheless, the reason I chose that medium, perhaps to be seen, not to fish for sympathy or what not, just to get the facts straight, and I'm only human hence I have anger issues, sometimes....

After a long period of being in a relationship and also rebound relationship, now I am totally on my own, depending on myself to love, learning to love myself the way I wanted to be loved and getting to know the new me. Break ups always change a person and I hope to be a better one. Yes! Loneliness do creeps in and when it does, it sucks.

Having that particular someone on your mind also a terrible thing to go through and I'm praying that I can let him out of my system soon. Honestly, I regret that I tend to date jerks that do not appreciate me at all, and the ones that actually shows that they love me don't click with me (this refers to the rebound guy).

Nevertheless, the most part of me wants to move on like pronto! As I want to have my old self back, the one that is confident and doesn't have eating disorder. And actually that's about it of my old self that I wanted to keep. To be frank, I was not a nice person before, I am cocky and sometimes I do think that I am above everybody else. What changed me? Well, the attitude of that rebound guy, he was a mirror of something I dislike, thus, I decided to change to be a better person, learn to be humble and modest.

Yes! I do agree that everything happened for a reason and there's a silver lining to everything that had occurred just as God wants it. God works in mysterious ways huh?

As of now, I'm recuperating both from my psychological state and my break up. The eating disorder occurred after my break up though, while I was with the rebound guy.....did I mentioned that he was super skinny....yeah just a fuel to make me work harder on losing weight back then. Not at all love. And yes our hearts can be deceiving, that's why I kept on going on rebound relationships. Something that I have to work on. I just need to get better......

XOXO 

Progress+Ranting+Eating disorder...Still

Bonsoir tout le monde,

Today was a bit of a let down, well, actually the week was a total let down, as I discovered that I am not that strong in the mid section (my core). I'm sure many have heard of Shaun T's insanity via beachbody, there's this programme called insane abs (available on the deluxe set) that I can't actually pull through. To be honest I'm not that great with the other routines, but I do see progress. And as many familiar with insanity, there's the fit test for you to track your progress, and I do see the changes. As body transformation, well I'm still skinny (not too thin though) but not so much toned because it is hard for me to eat clean during this fasting month (I'm hungry and I have craving, so be it). Eid is around the corner, more bad food going in. I'm not about to eat clean during Eid though, its the festive season, wanna enjoy a lil bit, as I did not! Last year. (stupid anorexia)

As I have touched upon the topic of anorexia.....eating disorders....I have a confession to make. Secretly now I'm battling bulimia, I am trying to recover each day and try to defeat this stupid disorder. I know that people that come across this post would think that the fact that I'm doing all these workouts as another medium of purging - excessive exercise. Perhaps it is, but honestly right now, I'm training my mind that it is not about body transformation, having a certain shape...in short, my appearance, but more towards my performance, I want to be fit. Nonetheless, the thoughts of being thin is still there, but I no longer contemplate or think about food as much, I didn't say I don't think about it, just that not as much...not as obsessive.

I am recuperating and try not to binge and purge. I have to tell, having eating disorder sucks, I feel like I can't never fully recover, and I have lost the ability to know how to eat normally. People wouldn't understand how I yearn to be normal again. As for purging goes, it went down to once a week, or less, I have made an inspiration board in my room, filled with motivational self-love quotes to recover. I seriously want to beat this illness, I had enough of depression and all these unstable mental state that pushed me to be a person that I myself didn't recognise. Okay now, this post sounds more like a rant. But heck! I do need an outlet.

Hmmm...I have lost my trail of thoughts here.....

Nonetheless, I WANT TO RECOVER SO BADLY! HELP!!   

Ode to fitness (Oh yes! I'm getting freaky on this)

Bonjour les gens.

I have just finished a week of insanity and I must say that the results are great. I have managed to change my body to be and look better (Oh well, hello! packs and definitions!). Not to mention getting fitter day by day. Sorry that I can't really upload any pictures as I have been getting negative comments from la familia stating that it's too revealing (fitness photos are not sexy, they're motivating. For me, at least.) Nonetheless I will try to upload at least one picture at the end of this journey.

Something just hit me that nowadays lots of people are conscious about how they look, and start to live more healthily. It's a good thing though. However, I had my fair share about body image, not to say that I actually have been on both side of the scale (I was never overweight) but I did went overboard with dieting. Hence, just to convey some concerns, I hope any of you guys out there not to over do your diet and be realistic (BMI might not be accurate, but it is something you can refer to). I have come to accept having bigger body and I'm loving my body now. I eat well, workout like cray cray and to see amazing result is the present I'm giving to myself.

Anyhow, I'm simply writing to kill some time before i hit the shower then sleep. And tomorrow is rest day, thus, I'm letting my body recuperate for a bit. Nevertheless, in fitness, one thing that you should keep in mind, do it because you love yourself, it is your body after all and I think it's our responsibility to take good care of it. And healthy body = healthy mind, vice versa. That's just how human body works.

Okayy....somehow I don't want to be too obsessed regarding fitness and health as the saying goes..'too much of a good thing is bad, hence be moderate, but not lazy. keep yourself motivated and remember, food is essential for our body, it is the fuel that keeps us going and fat is important for brain function guys!!! You won't get fat by consuming fat, and remember some forms of fat is good, as in sunflower oil, and nuts.

I will try to share more later on. I have just lost my trail of thoughts as for now.

Till next time! A la prochaine fois! 

Revamp, rebuild, re...re..????

Bonsoir tout le monde,

And so life has taken another course, and lately I've been thinking about how I've let the personal aspects of my life taking a hold on basically my whole life. Perhaps that's what first love is like. Just a little update on life. Currently I'm back on the single scene, not looking for another relationship though this time but instead I want to focus on other things that matters in life, and as for me that would be facing/ continuing my masters degree next year, and overall well-being (health and fitness) as well as planning on that dream job (which still need figuring it out).

I hope by spending more time writing that this will assist some sort on this 'emptiness' or at least makes me less depressed this time around go through this break up AGAIN!

I have never really disclose on what happened, but i guess something are better left untold....privacy reasons??? But I'm considering of sharing it here, though....i just need some idea on how i want to write about it.

As for now, it's the fasting month, hence the 'diet' fads emerge...lots of people have been posting their weight lost goals on facebook, tips...yadda yadda yadda. As for me, I make sure I take in enough calories for weight maintenance, muscle building and performance. I was happy that I managed to split my meals yesterday, hence I could do my routine quite well, and eat well (actually a lot) after my workout, its the weekend, hence I managed to get enough rest.

Another thing that I need to learn how to handle is time, somehow, now i feel like 24 hours is not enough to do all the things that I need to do. Thus, I shall seek for better ways to manage time. Time is gold people.

So....I guess now it is time to rebuild myself up. Have more control of my life.

A la prochaine fois!