Bonsoir tout le monde,
Today was a bit of a let down, well, actually the week was a total let down, as I discovered that I am not that strong in the mid section (my core). I'm sure many have heard of Shaun T's insanity via beachbody, there's this programme called insane abs (available on the deluxe set) that I can't actually pull through. To be honest I'm not that great with the other routines, but I do see progress. And as many familiar with insanity, there's the fit test for you to track your progress, and I do see the changes. As body transformation, well I'm still skinny (not too thin though) but not so much toned because it is hard for me to eat clean during this fasting month (I'm hungry and I have craving, so be it). Eid is around the corner, more bad food going in. I'm not about to eat clean during Eid though, its the festive season, wanna enjoy a lil bit, as I did not! Last year. (stupid anorexia)
As I have touched upon the topic of anorexia.....eating disorders....I have a confession to make. Secretly now I'm battling bulimia, I am trying to recover each day and try to defeat this stupid disorder. I know that people that come across this post would think that the fact that I'm doing all these workouts as another medium of purging - excessive exercise. Perhaps it is, but honestly right now, I'm training my mind that it is not about body transformation, having a certain shape...in short, my appearance, but more towards my performance, I want to be fit. Nonetheless, the thoughts of being thin is still there, but I no longer contemplate or think about food as much, I didn't say I don't think about it, just that not as much...not as obsessive.
I am recuperating and try not to binge and purge. I have to tell, having eating disorder sucks, I feel like I can't never fully recover, and I have lost the ability to know how to eat normally. People wouldn't understand how I yearn to be normal again. As for purging goes, it went down to once a week, or less, I have made an inspiration board in my room, filled with motivational self-love quotes to recover. I seriously want to beat this illness, I had enough of depression and all these unstable mental state that pushed me to be a person that I myself didn't recognise. Okay now, this post sounds more like a rant. But heck! I do need an outlet.
Hmmm...I have lost my trail of thoughts here.....
Nonetheless, I WANT TO RECOVER SO BADLY! HELP!!
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