Precious Ponders

It is that time again that I begin to ponder.
Pondering and keep wasting something so precious; I wonder.
Pondering about something that I identified as precious; I wonder.
Precious thing that is relative to feelings; I wonder.

Introspectively and simultaneously I look at it in retrospection.
Not too far back but still in retrospection.
Doing just that I have wasted something so precious; a contradiction.
It does not matter because it is about someone so precious; a contradiction.

It is that time again that I start to name.
Naming this piece and try to convince.
Convincing me that I have not waste.
Because I have used this precious thing for a precious mien.

Social Media and I

I sat and close my eyes.
With an attempt to stare deep inward into myself.
In search for something that I don't even know what.
And I wonder why do I do that?

Again I sat and this time I just stare.
Staring aimlessly letting my thoughts flare.
To spark something that I still don't even know what.
And now I feel I should be doing better than that.

Still I sat and now letting my fingers work.
Doing the work from my mind to control how things look.
Intangible things that only appear in our heads.
So uncomfortable in trying to put others in that shade.

The shade as dark so morbid as I am
Because in the end that is what I'm trying to mend.
A disconnection that I have with the world.
Sometimes I forgot involving people.

So still I sat and now looking at words.
Words that were written with hopes to connect.
On a stage that I feel others could react.
But this time according to what I mould.

of privacy and Britishness

1. This blog was with .jp when I typed it out. Not that it matters.
2. This blog was private for a bit and so I thought it need to be.
3. This blog, while I'm typing words out onto it I have Arctic Monkeys playing on the background.
4. This blog, as I decided to write something on it, I have seem to be in that cycle of unable to let go of past experiences of being in the UK.
5. This blog, is still a struggle for me to share. Just share. This blog is no longer private

Now that is sorted. I shall continue.

1. I have finally acclimatised to living in KL, Malaysia. It took me 2 years, but here I am finally accepting.
2. Even though I have accept that, (hence future plans need to be made) part of me still cling to the idea of loving 'Britishness'
3. 'Britishness' refers to all things GB. Place. people. music. history. ALL. (at least for me)
4. Fact: never have I ever dreamt/ wished to be in the UK. Paris yes. UK, never.
5. I fell in love with it slowly and bit by bit.
6. Realisation: I have been listening to a lot of bands from the UK. Like a lot. Apart from working out/ exercising, the other thing that kept me sane is how music makes me feel. It fills in those void of 'feelings'. Music allows me to escape reality but at the same time giving me space to reflect on reality. If people can ever understand my complex psyche. Moving on.
7. Perhaps I am biased, but I do feel and think English made better 'rock/ indie music' compared to their American counterparts. Aussies are good but not as much depth and substance as bands from the UK.

Thus, that is all my point - I love English bands  and I shall forever have some sense of Britishness embedded  in me despite acclimatisation.

X

Why?

Here to kill time.

Here to deal with life.

Here to recollect thoughts, to reflect upon actions.

It seems that I can only pour out words onto this blog from my mind at times that seems grey and mellow. Part of me using this as the 'thing; to channel all these unsettling thoughts that I have. Maybe because the 'age' of journal writing has ended. Should I then kept this to myself?

It is not as if I am about to transcribe every dark and depressing aspect of me here - to make all disturbing thoughts transparent. However, sharing this, writing this down seems like a therapy that I enjoyed every now and then.

Though..I do wonder WHY?

Why this context?

Why this medium?

Context is easy. Another form of therapy. Simple.

And this medium because there are some sense of comfort in knowing that this platform makes it able to reach another person. As yet another form of me feeding that narcissistic needs of mine.

The repercussion of exposing this side of me here? Is something that I am willing to experience.

I do believe that we only grow as a human when we've overcome crisis. Maybe wise maybe not.
But I know that I'm ready to embrace the good and the bad. Both.

So yes. I've decided. This shall remain the way it is. I shall write whenever I feel like and whatever I like.

XX

Loving me

Letting myself go entirely.

Unhappy still.

I have learnt to be grateful. So what do I have?

Everything. But still I feel so lonely. How do I overcome this?

I just need some kind of motivation. Help.

I know that this space has become so depressive, but this is how I am. What I am now.

I know that I have so much to offer and I shall and will not settle for less.

Still so confused and lost.

Perhaps it is now time to really detach and disassociate from everything. Just detach. Stop searching. Stop thinking,,,,for a bit.

In the end I know I love myself way too much to feel this way.

Goodnight.

Unwell

Cigarette in hand, Portishead on, wet in my towel after a quick unsatisfied shower. Gained weight because I overate. I look myself in the mirror not happy with how I look, do I have body dysmorphia or is this just self-loathing?

I know that I should be taking better care of myself. But still I gave in and lose control.


Feels like an addict but no, I'm not on drugs. This is worse than any drug or alcohol addiction - just as self-destructive. I am unwell.

How I wish I'm strong enough to face this. Life.

Shine bitch!

Disappointment and pain.

Let's write about that, and how these two lead to me being and feeling detached for most things. In particular...my emotions.

I came across a quote shared by a friend prior to writing this. It was about living vs existing; and that is it about all of these corny quotes, it makes you reflect despite how corny it is. So I reflected and came to this. Not being able to feel is like you are not living, though I have some sense of motivation now but it I am still unable to feel as if I'm living this life to its fullest! and I missed that.

Of course I went on the internet and  read about how depression and anxiety resulted in detachment amongst its sufferers; this is due to imbalance of serotonin levels in the brain (its always about this serotonin) and these two mental illness often arise from disappointment and pain. (please dont take whatever you read on the net word for word)

Detachment is good for some moments; it is one of my favourite defense mechanism to whatever shitty things that I am facing now. But some part of me misses having emotions.

So here I am, still on this forever journey of recovery looking for that sparkle in my life. However, I noticed that it's easy to look for that sparkle from someone else, hence I am reminding myself to look for that sparkle from within.

Come on! Shine Bitch