Was part 2

Was.

Could be my favourite word.

Was.

A piece that I wrote more than a couple of years back. An afterword.

Concluding a phase, dictating yet another phase. A phase that I thought has ended; a phase that I look forward to endure.

Written in a manner of visible ambiguity. A make believe term in explicating everything that I am when it comes to expressing myself in a world filled with strangers.

Not a single context shall I relay because the word was in itself constitutes of matters that used to be relevant; stretching it more than that - it will drain you of who you are, letting it dictate you into blindness, into the pit of madness.

Was.

A past tense.

It is....the past.

This inability I have, haunts me as living contradictions are a norm, though crisis its not; seems to sculpt life as a battle though it all lies in various interpretations so thus valuation will only be of my own.

With that, all I can do is to let the past linger in a way that it will grow me but not consume me, as many believers often preach but rarely do, rarely live, that is the life of balance, thinking that the past should be forgotten but NO it's the type of peace that many don't understand that is needed.

Welcome 2018: Resolution & Achievements

It has been a while.

For a moment I thought that I should just end this. For what again do I keep a space that is often neglected?

Nonetheless, I do not have anything interesting to share apart from enjoying the downtime I have at work. Lucky is what we are. Siping my soya cappuccino that I bought from Starbucks whilst having to endure the pain of the monthly cramp, I stared. I stared blankly at this space thinking. The only reason I started this, is to polish something that I thought I had, or at least that is what has been going on in my head now.

The downtime at work; comes with its pros and cons. The pros is that it deters us from burning out, allowing you to refocus before another storm sets in - when that comes at least we could brave through it once again. The cons could be the probability of getting sucked into an endless cycle of complacency and laziness - if we allow it.

Perhaps that is why I am here, as an attempt to keep the mind active; as to write gives me a space to think, to recollect and to construct. At least I am using this medium to exercise. Another mind exercise that I neglected is reading. Though I do minor readings of the news and short articles, but I have been stopping midway to every book that I held this year.

Perhaps now I should think of a resolution; not that it matters and not that I have been practicing that, (my determination and motivation is rather odd) - to be more discipline and actually finish through everything that I started. I did good this year in terms of kicking the habbit of procrastinating; being more responsible. So for 2018 - to be more discipline is the resolution. So there, it is decided.

For what it's worth, I think it is good to share some of my achievements in 2017 (because we are on the last days of 2017 now - cliche) I believe I did good so far in terms of being more independent- the key here is MORE, because I am not that independent (due to how I defined independent). I've moved out from my parents' place and accountable to my own expenses. The experience is scary but liberating. Another 'tangible achievement' that I wanted was to have my own car - this I am contemplating as having a car isn't a wise move for city-living.

Contemplating about having my own car comes from various juxtapositions; wanting to migrate, maintenance, on it being a want rather than a need, feeding only the hedonistic aspects of me. For all I know right now - I shall keep that on my wishlist.

With that I shall end this post with the contentment of welcoming yet another year.

Thank you 2017, you've been good.

Happy 2018.

Precious Ponders

It is that time again that I begin to ponder.
Pondering and keep wasting something so precious; I wonder.
Pondering about something that I identified as precious; I wonder.
Precious thing that is relative to feelings; I wonder.

Introspectively and simultaneously I look at it in retrospection.
Not too far back but still in retrospection.
Doing just that I have wasted something so precious; a contradiction.
It does not matter because it is about someone so precious; a contradiction.

It is that time again that I start to name.
Naming this piece and try to convince.
Convincing me that I have not waste.
Because I have used this precious thing for a precious mien.

Social Media and I

I sat and close my eyes.
With an attempt to stare deep inward into myself.
In search for something that I don't even know what.
And I wonder why do I do that?

Again I sat and this time I just stare.
Staring aimlessly letting my thoughts flare.
To spark something that I still don't even know what.
And now I feel I should be doing better than that.

Still I sat and now letting my fingers work.
Doing the work from my mind to control how things look.
Intangible things that only appear in our heads.
So uncomfortable in trying to put others in that shade.

The shade as dark so morbid as I am
Because in the end that is what I'm trying to mend.
A disconnection that I have with the world.
Sometimes I forgot involving people.

So still I sat and now looking at words.
Words that were written with hopes to connect.
On a stage that I feel others could react.
But this time according to what I mould.

of privacy and Britishness

1. This blog was with .jp when I typed it out. Not that it matters.
2. This blog was private for a bit and so I thought it need to be.
3. This blog, while I'm typing words out onto it I have Arctic Monkeys playing on the background.
4. This blog, as I decided to write something on it, I have seem to be in that cycle of unable to let go of past experiences of being in the UK.
5. This blog, is still a struggle for me to share. Just share. This blog is no longer private

Now that is sorted. I shall continue.

1. I have finally acclimatised to living in KL, Malaysia. It took me 2 years, but here I am finally accepting.
2. Even though I have accept that, (hence future plans need to be made) part of me still cling to the idea of loving 'Britishness'
3. 'Britishness' refers to all things GB. Place. people. music. history. ALL. (at least for me)
4. Fact: never have I ever dreamt/ wished to be in the UK. Paris yes. UK, never.
5. I fell in love with it slowly and bit by bit.
6. Realisation: I have been listening to a lot of bands from the UK. Like a lot. Apart from working out/ exercising, the other thing that kept me sane is how music makes me feel. It fills in those void of 'feelings'. Music allows me to escape reality but at the same time giving me space to reflect on reality. If people can ever understand my complex psyche. Moving on.
7. Perhaps I am biased, but I do feel and think English made better 'rock/ indie music' compared to their American counterparts. Aussies are good but not as much depth and substance as bands from the UK.

Thus, that is all my point - I love English bands  and I shall forever have some sense of Britishness embedded  in me despite acclimatisation.

X

Why?

Here to kill time.

Here to deal with life.

Here to recollect thoughts, to reflect upon actions.

It seems that I can only pour out words onto this blog from my mind at times that seems grey and mellow. Part of me using this as the 'thing; to channel all these unsettling thoughts that I have. Maybe because the 'age' of journal writing has ended. Should I then kept this to myself?

It is not as if I am about to transcribe every dark and depressing aspect of me here - to make all disturbing thoughts transparent. However, sharing this, writing this down seems like a therapy that I enjoyed every now and then.

Though..I do wonder WHY?

Why this context?

Why this medium?

Context is easy. Another form of therapy. Simple.

And this medium because there are some sense of comfort in knowing that this platform makes it able to reach another person. As yet another form of me feeding that narcissistic needs of mine.

The repercussion of exposing this side of me here? Is something that I am willing to experience.

I do believe that we only grow as a human when we've overcome crisis. Maybe wise maybe not.
But I know that I'm ready to embrace the good and the bad. Both.

So yes. I've decided. This shall remain the way it is. I shall write whenever I feel like and whatever I like.

XX

Loving me

Letting myself go entirely.

Unhappy still.

I have learnt to be grateful. So what do I have?

Everything. But still I feel so lonely. How do I overcome this?

I just need some kind of motivation. Help.

I know that this space has become so depressive, but this is how I am. What I am now.

I know that I have so much to offer and I shall and will not settle for less.

Still so confused and lost.

Perhaps it is now time to really detach and disassociate from everything. Just detach. Stop searching. Stop thinking,,,,for a bit.

In the end I know I love myself way too much to feel this way.

Goodnight.