What a start of a decade it has been.

It's 2020 and what a start of a decade it has been.

Wowee.

It has been almost a year. Though, I do visit this space often in hopes of keeping myself checked, a reminder of me to me.

My last entry was about grieving through the loss of my mom, honestly, entering the 2nd year of her passing and I have to admit the grief isn't getting any easier. Time heals they said, well that's a lot of bollocks.

My only entry in 2019 was an homage to momsie on her birthday, throughout that year I have been keeping myself busy, planning a wedding. Yes, A WEDDING. Happy things!

Apart from keeping my mind occupied with the wedding planning itself (technically it is a grand elopement) the reason behind our (partner and I) decision to a matrimony was/is an homage to my late mom as well. One of the last few conversations I had with her - before heavy reliance on morphine (mom, not me) was the year and the date of this pledge of commitment. But...everything took a nasty twist.

On the day of writing this, I have been homebound for nearly 2 months. A pandemic outbreak took hold and still holding this plane where humans reside.  The world outside doesn't seem appealing and I'm sure those with the utmost logical sense is holding on to what's is essential - going out for what's essential.

Social gatherings are impermissible, international travel is barred until an unforeseeable future - there is no vaccine. What a start of a decade it has been.

Being homebound indicates that all I have is time, despite my lucky break with keeping a job during these trying times, I have more time alone letting my mind wander to the memories I had with mom. So does time really heal?

A pandemic indicates that our wedding isn't happening to the way its planned. But a blessing we had is this mind of ours - curating contingencies in ensuring the sentiment of this decision is still intact.

What a start of a decade it has been. 

Happy Birthday Mummy

Going through the motions as if I am drifting away, but I’m not. 
Where I’m at, is nowhere and it feels like I am going through an emotion knot. 
At this moment, I feel it is better to drift away, but I can’t.
It is definite that losing you is the hardest thing, but to stop I can’t.

-

I wrote this poem about months back when I just lost my mom to cancer. Half a year passed, I don't think that I feel any better. I am dead inside and life just seems like another reality and I can no longer relate to. 

This is tough. 

Today is her birthday, and I am unable to celebrate it with her; and sending her a birthday wish is one sided, it seems empty.

-

Happy Birthday Mummy - not a day passed by that I don't miss you. You are 56 this year if you're still around. I miss you.

Tis the day to be jolly.

Tis the day to be jolly. Falalala

A Monday that is sandwiched between 2 off days.
A Monday that is laden with blues because I do not care.
A Monday that I just can't wait to end because I want more off days.
A Monday that is an indicator that I am a lazy dame.

Tis the day to be jolly. Falalala

Journal of a Hipster

Sunday, 30th September 2018

The water is boiling.
I have a cigarette on.
Got my favourite find of a band, Parcels - playing tunes familiar to the 70s. Anachronistic. 

How's that for a setting?
Just bliss.

On to making myself a cup of americano, homemade; feeling as hipster as ever. A hipster meister.
At this exact moment - I feel super conceptual; abstract.

What a beauty the world can be, if everyone could understand this - how abstract this place is.
What a beauty the world can be, if balance is comprehended - how to embrace and to accept sits on a very thin line.

If we can ever accept that this current construction that we operate is in the end are just many in a vast space of abstracts.

Pensive moments

Alone. I am..

What a moment to be in

A moment that is lothed and loved depending on wants

Wants that are under constant reflection because an organ is checked in

Constructed to be an ever-ending pensive moments because of my wants.

Alone. I'm OK with

A bit schizo....but why not.

Hey, it's me...again.

Sorry that I wasn't here,
Sorry that I got caught with things in my sphere,
Those were important and I can't leave it in vain,
You know..life, living, being alive - being vain.

You see, I only left for you,
So you can be you,
'You do you boo' so they say,
Not at all in an original way - I must say.

So what have you been up to?
Enlighten me with the updates!
I know you want to
Tell me what have you create.

Yeah...whatever it is you did good,
You 'do' and that is how it should be,
Continue to do things that get you in the mood,
But just promise me that it won't be moody.

Real

Be not afeared of the unbeknown, for there perhaps is the only way you can unpack more about yourself.

For me life itself is an unknown journey where there are many experiences to be experienced.

The past weeks was an eye opener about who I am and how much of that is known. And I would rather be placed in a place where my sanity is in check; where my surrounding is grounded in reality; where despite the subjectivity of perceptions and ideals; things are real.

Was part 2

Was.

Could be my favourite word.

Was.

A piece that I wrote more than a couple of years back. An afterword.

Concluding a phase, dictating yet another phase. A phase that I thought has ended; a phase that I look forward to endure.

Written in a manner of visible ambiguity. A make believe term in explicating everything that I am when it comes to expressing myself in a world filled with strangers.

Not a single context shall I relay because the word was in itself constitutes of matters that used to be relevant; stretching it more than that - it will drain you of who you are, letting it dictate you into blindness, into the pit of madness.

Was.

A past tense.

It is....the past.

This inability I have, haunts me as living contradictions are a norm, though crisis its not; seems to sculpt life as a battle though it all lies in various interpretations so thus valuation will only be of my own.

With that, all I can do is to let the past linger in a way that it will grow me but not consume me, as many believers often preach but rarely do, rarely live, that is the life of balance, thinking that the past should be forgotten but NO it's the type of peace that many don't understand that is needed.

Welcome 2018: Resolution & Achievements

It has been a while.

For a moment I thought that I should just end this. For what again do I keep a space that is often neglected?

Nonetheless, I do not have anything interesting to share apart from enjoying the downtime I have at work. Lucky is what we are. Siping my soya cappuccino that I bought from Starbucks whilst having to endure the pain of the monthly cramp, I stared. I stared blankly at this space thinking. The only reason I started this, is to polish something that I thought I had, or at least that is what has been going on in my head now.

The downtime at work; comes with its pros and cons. The pros is that it deters us from burning out, allowing you to refocus before another storm sets in - when that comes at least we could brave through it once again. The cons could be the probability of getting sucked into an endless cycle of complacency and laziness - if we allow it.

Perhaps that is why I am here, as an attempt to keep the mind active; as to write gives me a space to think, to recollect and to construct. At least I am using this medium to exercise. Another mind exercise that I neglected is reading. Though I do minor readings of the news and short articles, but I have been stopping midway to every book that I held this year.

Perhaps now I should think of a resolution; not that it matters and not that I have been practicing that, (my determination and motivation is rather odd) - to be more discipline and actually finish through everything that I started. I did good this year in terms of kicking the habbit of procrastinating; being more responsible. So for 2018 - to be more discipline is the resolution. So there, it is decided.

For what it's worth, I think it is good to share some of my achievements in 2017 (because we are on the last days of 2017 now - cliche) I believe I did good so far in terms of being more independent- the key here is MORE, because I am not that independent (due to how I defined independent). I've moved out from my parents' place and accountable to my own expenses. The experience is scary but liberating. Another 'tangible achievement' that I wanted was to have my own car - this I am contemplating as having a car isn't a wise move for city-living.

Contemplating about having my own car comes from various juxtapositions; wanting to migrate, maintenance, on it being a want rather than a need, feeding only the hedonistic aspects of me. For all I know right now - I shall keep that on my wishlist.

With that I shall end this post with the contentment of welcoming yet another year.

Thank you 2017, you've been good.

Happy 2018.

Precious Ponders

It is that time again that I begin to ponder.
Pondering and keep wasting something so precious; I wonder.
Pondering about something that I identified as precious; I wonder.
Precious thing that is relative to feelings; I wonder.

Introspectively and simultaneously I look at it in retrospection.
Not too far back but still in retrospection.
Doing just that I have wasted something so precious; a contradiction.
It does not matter because it is about someone so precious; a contradiction.

It is that time again that I start to name.
Naming this piece and try to convince.
Convincing me that I have not waste.
Because I have used this precious thing for a precious mien.

Social Media and I

I sat and close my eyes.
With an attempt to stare deep inward into myself.
In search for something that I don't even know what.
And I wonder why do I do that?

Again I sat and this time I just stare.
Staring aimlessly letting my thoughts flare.
To spark something that I still don't even know what.
And now I feel I should be doing better than that.

Still I sat and now letting my fingers work.
Doing the work from my mind to control how things look.
Intangible things that only appear in our heads.
So uncomfortable in trying to put others in that shade.

The shade as dark so morbid as I am
Because in the end that is what I'm trying to mend.
A disconnection that I have with the world.
Sometimes I forgot involving people.

So still I sat and now looking at words.
Words that were written with hopes to connect.
On a stage that I feel others could react.
But this time according to what I mould.

of privacy and Britishness

1. This blog was with .jp when I typed it out. Not that it matters.
2. This blog was private for a bit and so I thought it need to be.
3. This blog, while I'm typing words out onto it I have Arctic Monkeys playing on the background.
4. This blog, as I decided to write something on it, I have seem to be in that cycle of unable to let go of past experiences of being in the UK.
5. This blog, is still a struggle for me to share. Just share. This blog is no longer private

Now that is sorted. I shall continue.

1. I have finally acclimatised to living in KL, Malaysia. It took me 2 years, but here I am finally accepting.
2. Even though I have accept that, (hence future plans need to be made) part of me still cling to the idea of loving 'Britishness'
3. 'Britishness' refers to all things GB. Place. people. music. history. ALL. (at least for me)
4. Fact: never have I ever dreamt/ wished to be in the UK. Paris yes. UK, never.
5. I fell in love with it slowly and bit by bit.
6. Realisation: I have been listening to a lot of bands from the UK. Like a lot. Apart from working out/ exercising, the other thing that kept me sane is how music makes me feel. It fills in those void of 'feelings'. Music allows me to escape reality but at the same time giving me space to reflect on reality. If people can ever understand my complex psyche. Moving on.
7. Perhaps I am biased, but I do feel and think English made better 'rock/ indie music' compared to their American counterparts. Aussies are good but not as much depth and substance as bands from the UK.

Thus, that is all my point - I love English bands  and I shall forever have some sense of Britishness embedded  in me despite acclimatisation.

X

Why?

Here to kill time.

Here to deal with life.

Here to recollect thoughts, to reflect upon actions.

It seems that I can only pour out words onto this blog from my mind at times that seems grey and mellow. Part of me using this as the 'thing; to channel all these unsettling thoughts that I have. Maybe because the 'age' of journal writing has ended. Should I then kept this to myself?

It is not as if I am about to transcribe every dark and depressing aspect of me here - to make all disturbing thoughts transparent. However, sharing this, writing this down seems like a therapy that I enjoyed every now and then.

Though..I do wonder WHY?

Why this context?

Why this medium?

Context is easy. Another form of therapy. Simple.

And this medium because there are some sense of comfort in knowing that this platform makes it able to reach another person. As yet another form of me feeding that narcissistic needs of mine.

The repercussion of exposing this side of me here? Is something that I am willing to experience.

I do believe that we only grow as a human when we've overcome crisis. Maybe wise maybe not.
But I know that I'm ready to embrace the good and the bad. Both.

So yes. I've decided. This shall remain the way it is. I shall write whenever I feel like and whatever I like.

XX

Loving me

Letting myself go entirely.

Unhappy still.

I have learnt to be grateful. So what do I have?

Everything. But still I feel so lonely. How do I overcome this?

I just need some kind of motivation. Help.

I know that this space has become so depressive, but this is how I am. What I am now.

I know that I have so much to offer and I shall and will not settle for less.

Still so confused and lost.

Perhaps it is now time to really detach and disassociate from everything. Just detach. Stop searching. Stop thinking,,,,for a bit.

In the end I know I love myself way too much to feel this way.

Goodnight.

Unwell

Cigarette in hand, Portishead on, wet in my towel after a quick unsatisfied shower. Gained weight because I overate. I look myself in the mirror not happy with how I look, do I have body dysmorphia or is this just self-loathing?

I know that I should be taking better care of myself. But still I gave in and lose control.


Feels like an addict but no, I'm not on drugs. This is worse than any drug or alcohol addiction - just as self-destructive. I am unwell.

How I wish I'm strong enough to face this. Life.

Shine bitch!

Disappointment and pain.

Let's write about that, and how these two lead to me being and feeling detached for most things. In particular...my emotions.

I came across a quote shared by a friend prior to writing this. It was about living vs existing; and that is it about all of these corny quotes, it makes you reflect despite how corny it is. So I reflected and came to this. Not being able to feel is like you are not living, though I have some sense of motivation now but it I am still unable to feel as if I'm living this life to its fullest! and I missed that.

Of course I went on the internet and  read about how depression and anxiety resulted in detachment amongst its sufferers; this is due to imbalance of serotonin levels in the brain (its always about this serotonin) and these two mental illness often arise from disappointment and pain. (please dont take whatever you read on the net word for word)

Detachment is good for some moments; it is one of my favourite defense mechanism to whatever shitty things that I am facing now. But some part of me misses having emotions.

So here I am, still on this forever journey of recovery looking for that sparkle in my life. However, I noticed that it's easy to look for that sparkle from someone else, hence I am reminding myself to look for that sparkle from within.

Come on! Shine Bitch

Of Grammar and I Couldn’t Care Less

It’s almost half past 5. Been awake since 4, in the morning of course.

The plan was to get some chores done but now I’m getting a little bit groggy and have actually spent more than an hour on social media.

Hence reread my own blogpost I did.

There are one too many grammar mistakes, perhaps one day I’ll improve on proofreading my stuff prior to getting them published.

As of now, I couldn’t care about it – I wrote what I feel – its raw feelings I’m letting out here.

C'est moi, c'est tout....I am only human

Bonjour tout le monde.

Woke up today with a terrible terrible feeling. I have to admit that food plays a major role in my life. Nonetheless food is essential for human being, it is our fuel to get our body going. water to repair the cells, calories for energy and organ functions. Women particularly, need fat for hormone maintenance and reproduction system.

Why again am I talking about food?

Something happened last night, I admit that I haven't been taking care of myself properly and been focusing on all the wrong aspects of life. What I'm going through can be similarly considered as culture shock, but not at all cultural, instead it is a shock, life shock!

I'm writing in the hopes that I could finally unveil what the problem really is. So here goes.....

Last night, my flatmate having a party at home, its not that I'm tempted at all, I have been having fun for weeks living abroad, meeting people that I totally neglect the real reason that I'm here for. My future. Personal life have been going up and down, up and down again, but i guess that is just how life is. I have to learn how to accept that and how to cope with it.

Oh, before I go on any further, rambling about whatever there is in my head. I did something, I binge. But I didn't purge regardless how sick I felt last night, because, I made a promise to myself that I am not going through that cycle again. never ever!

I read somewhere that it's okay to binge, that I am not alone in this, it's good that I realise that there's a problem behind what I just did. I made a list prior to writing this. It's on my board to remind me everyday that I am only human and I can get through this. The list goes something like this:

I binge because.....

• I felt something is missing, incomplete, it makes me bored
• I am scared of my masters degree, stress and I don't know how to cope with it
• I failed myself as I didn't set my priorities straight

And most importantly, I felt that I haven't been taking good care of myself. A note to self, if you don't care of yourself, who will?

Hence, another challenge in life to get things straight again!

Was

Was, is a word of the past,
Associated with time and situation that goes so fast,
Reminisced of thy self in back tenses.
So there I was thinking of only one self full of pretenses.

I was young, I was naive,
The cliché words often uttered,
With sentences lingered,
I took but not give.

'If only' are the thoughts of the present,
Still looking backwards I did,
Confusion, guilt and regret
Are often entangled in my mental net.

The steps placed on the ground,
Are easily erased but still I cant rewind,
Can we really know the fore and the hind?
That is why 'was' always linger in my mind.

Revisited

Bonsoir tout le monde.


So again I was missing. I don't know why but I can't get myself to write these days. I have to say that I have a very very fortunate life. Yes, life now is going great and I was given the opportunity to go to Istanbul, which all of you may have know that the land is rich with history. I am not a history buff per se but Istanbul was a fascinating city. And it was the first time that I had encountered an issue called communication break down as I don't speak a word of Turkish.

Yes! My first!

Having been to Istanbul reflected that I have never actually been outside of my comfort zone, places I've visited its either Anglophone or Francophone. I'm not saying that my French is perfect but it's a familiar language. I've been to Holland but everybody seems to speak good English there, hence pas de probleme. But Istanbul.....my my....

Nonetheless, Istanbul is a great city, an old one I must say. Food is great and I have to say on the healthier side (as I observed, not many fast food joint, kudos Istanbul!), attractions are simply AMAZING and for a cat lover like me....it is filled with cats!!! Being a Muslim I have only but one feeling which is proud when I visited Istanbul, to see how amazing the Muslim civilisation there during the Ottoman period is just breathtaking and it is what I'm more salient of. But I'm sure the city could relate to others regardless of beliefs, given that it was held by the Greeks and then the Romans, and how the amazing Hagia Sophia / Ayasofya was previously a massive church during Justinian period and then converted into a mosque when Ottoman came. Its a massive building built thousands of years ago. AH-MAZING!

Yes, one word I can conclude Istanbul is AMAZING!!! And as I was there during winter, I was able to try some of their seasonal delicacies such as Salep and Hamsi. Salep as I would describe it to my friends as a drink that tasted like cinnamon bun/roll and Hamsi is a fish dish, more or less like anchovies which are fried.  And I just figured my ultimate winter comfort food is the Turkish lentil soup. It is so 'yummy in the tummy', I kind of disagree with that expression, it is our taste bud that enjoyed all the delicious taste not our tummy; tummy just feel stuffed, satisfied or hungry.  

As for photos, there are several I took but not much as it was cold and I prefer to let my palms be in my pocket. Yes, despite how many times that I've stayed in cold climate places (nothing extreme btw) I'm still adjusting to the weather.

Okay, back to photos, I will upload it in a separate post as I consider myself a nomad now. And....as an update, I am alive and well in Newcastle. Soon I shall begin my semester and for a moment I think I will neglect this blog once again as I would normally do. If you are able to track my instagram, there's a snippet of photos of Istanbul and several other places I've visited.

As for Newcastle, I was just reading a friend's blog the other day and how he mentioned that coming back to Newcastle for the second time brings a different kind of feeling, there's no longer the excitement as when he felt the first time here. Yes, I can relate to that perfectly as that is what I'm feeling too. However, I am excited for my trip to Leeds tomorrow as I will meet one very cute cheeky boy and a new addition to the family, my two nephews! More or less I will try to be more productive here. Hey! its hard to keep up in this age of technology, I have instagram to upload photos to, facebook to socialise and here to rant. Haha

A la prochaine fois

XX