Loving me

Letting myself go entirely.

Unhappy still.

I have learnt to be grateful. So what do I have?

Everything. But still I feel so lonely. How do I overcome this?

I just need some kind of motivation. Help.

I know that this space has become so depressive, but this is how I am. What I am now.

I know that I have so much to offer and I shall and will not settle for less.

Still so confused and lost.

Perhaps it is now time to really detach and disassociate from everything. Just detach. Stop searching. Stop thinking,,,,for a bit.

In the end I know I love myself way too much to feel this way.

Goodnight.

Unwell

Cigarette in hand, Portishead on, wet in my towel after a quick unsatisfied shower. Gained weight because I overate. I look myself in the mirror not happy with how I look, do I have body dysmorphia or is this just self-loathing?

I know that I should be taking better care of myself. But still I gave in and lose control.


Feels like an addict but no, I'm not on drugs. This is worse than any drug or alcohol addiction - just as self-destructive. I am unwell.

How I wish I'm strong enough to face this. Life.

Shine bitch!

Disappointment and pain.

Let's write about that, and how these two lead to me being and feeling detached for most things. In particular...my emotions.

I came across a quote shared by a friend prior to writing this. It was about living vs existing; and that is it about all of these corny quotes, it makes you reflect despite how corny it is. So I reflected and came to this. Not being able to feel is like you are not living, though I have some sense of motivation now but it I am still unable to feel as if I'm living this life to its fullest! and I missed that.

Of course I went on the internet and  read about how depression and anxiety resulted in detachment amongst its sufferers; this is due to imbalance of serotonin levels in the brain (its always about this serotonin) and these two mental illness often arise from disappointment and pain. (please dont take whatever you read on the net word for word)

Detachment is good for some moments; it is one of my favourite defense mechanism to whatever shitty things that I am facing now. But some part of me misses having emotions.

So here I am, still on this forever journey of recovery looking for that sparkle in my life. However, I noticed that it's easy to look for that sparkle from someone else, hence I am reminding myself to look for that sparkle from within.

Come on! Shine Bitch

Of Grammar and I Couldn’t Care Less

It’s almost half past 5. Been awake since 4, in the morning of course.

The plan was to get some chores done but now I’m getting a little bit groggy and have actually spent more than an hour on social media.

Hence reread my own blogpost I did.

There are one too many grammar mistakes, perhaps one day I’ll improve on proofreading my stuff prior to getting them published.

As of now, I couldn’t care about it – I wrote what I feel – its raw feelings I’m letting out here.

C'est moi, c'est tout....I am only human

Bonjour tout le monde.

Woke up today with a terrible terrible feeling. I have to admit that food plays a major role in my life. Nonetheless food is essential for human being, it is our fuel to get our body going. water to repair the cells, calories for energy and organ functions. Women particularly, need fat for hormone maintenance and reproduction system.

Why again am I talking about food?

Something happened last night, I admit that I haven't been taking care of myself properly and been focusing on all the wrong aspects of life. What I'm going through can be similarly considered as culture shock, but not at all cultural, instead it is a shock, life shock!

I'm writing in the hopes that I could finally unveil what the problem really is. So here goes.....

Last night, my flatmate having a party at home, its not that I'm tempted at all, I have been having fun for weeks living abroad, meeting people that I totally neglect the real reason that I'm here for. My future. Personal life have been going up and down, up and down again, but i guess that is just how life is. I have to learn how to accept that and how to cope with it.

Oh, before I go on any further, rambling about whatever there is in my head. I did something, I binge. But I didn't purge regardless how sick I felt last night, because, I made a promise to myself that I am not going through that cycle again. never ever!

I read somewhere that it's okay to binge, that I am not alone in this, it's good that I realise that there's a problem behind what I just did. I made a list prior to writing this. It's on my board to remind me everyday that I am only human and I can get through this. The list goes something like this:

I binge because.....

• I felt something is missing, incomplete, it makes me bored
• I am scared of my masters degree, stress and I don't know how to cope with it
• I failed myself as I didn't set my priorities straight

And most importantly, I felt that I haven't been taking good care of myself. A note to self, if you don't care of yourself, who will?

Hence, another challenge in life to get things straight again!

Was

Was, is a word of the past,
Associated with time and situation that goes so fast,
Reminisced of thy self in back tenses.
So there I was thinking of only one self full of pretenses.

I was young, I was naive,
The cliché words often uttered,
With sentences lingered,
I took but not give.

'If only' are the thoughts of the present,
Still looking backwards I did,
Confusion, guilt and regret
Are often entangled in my mental net.

The steps placed on the ground,
Are easily erased but still I cant rewind,
Can we really know the fore and the hind?
That is why 'was' always linger in my mind.

Revisited

Bonsoir tout le monde.


So again I was missing. I don't know why but I can't get myself to write these days. I have to say that I have a very very fortunate life. Yes, life now is going great and I was given the opportunity to go to Istanbul, which all of you may have know that the land is rich with history. I am not a history buff per se but Istanbul was a fascinating city. And it was the first time that I had encountered an issue called communication break down as I don't speak a word of Turkish.

Yes! My first!

Having been to Istanbul reflected that I have never actually been outside of my comfort zone, places I've visited its either Anglophone or Francophone. I'm not saying that my French is perfect but it's a familiar language. I've been to Holland but everybody seems to speak good English there, hence pas de probleme. But Istanbul.....my my....

Nonetheless, Istanbul is a great city, an old one I must say. Food is great and I have to say on the healthier side (as I observed, not many fast food joint, kudos Istanbul!), attractions are simply AMAZING and for a cat lover like me....it is filled with cats!!! Being a Muslim I have only but one feeling which is proud when I visited Istanbul, to see how amazing the Muslim civilisation there during the Ottoman period is just breathtaking and it is what I'm more salient of. But I'm sure the city could relate to others regardless of beliefs, given that it was held by the Greeks and then the Romans, and how the amazing Hagia Sophia / Ayasofya was previously a massive church during Justinian period and then converted into a mosque when Ottoman came. Its a massive building built thousands of years ago. AH-MAZING!

Yes, one word I can conclude Istanbul is AMAZING!!! And as I was there during winter, I was able to try some of their seasonal delicacies such as Salep and Hamsi. Salep as I would describe it to my friends as a drink that tasted like cinnamon bun/roll and Hamsi is a fish dish, more or less like anchovies which are fried.  And I just figured my ultimate winter comfort food is the Turkish lentil soup. It is so 'yummy in the tummy', I kind of disagree with that expression, it is our taste bud that enjoyed all the delicious taste not our tummy; tummy just feel stuffed, satisfied or hungry.  

As for photos, there are several I took but not much as it was cold and I prefer to let my palms be in my pocket. Yes, despite how many times that I've stayed in cold climate places (nothing extreme btw) I'm still adjusting to the weather.

Okay, back to photos, I will upload it in a separate post as I consider myself a nomad now. And....as an update, I am alive and well in Newcastle. Soon I shall begin my semester and for a moment I think I will neglect this blog once again as I would normally do. If you are able to track my instagram, there's a snippet of photos of Istanbul and several other places I've visited.

As for Newcastle, I was just reading a friend's blog the other day and how he mentioned that coming back to Newcastle for the second time brings a different kind of feeling, there's no longer the excitement as when he felt the first time here. Yes, I can relate to that perfectly as that is what I'm feeling too. However, I am excited for my trip to Leeds tomorrow as I will meet one very cute cheeky boy and a new addition to the family, my two nephews! More or less I will try to be more productive here. Hey! its hard to keep up in this age of technology, I have instagram to upload photos to, facebook to socialise and here to rant. Haha

A la prochaine fois

XX