Why?

Here to kill time.

Here to deal with life.

Here to recollect thoughts, to reflect upon actions.

It seems that I can only pour out words onto this blog from my mind at times that seems grey and mellow. Part of me using this as the 'thing; to channel all these unsettling thoughts that I have. Maybe because the 'age' of journal writing has ended. Should I then kept this to myself?

It is not as if I am about to transcribe every dark and depressing aspect of me here - to make all disturbing thoughts transparent. However, sharing this, writing this down seems like a therapy that I enjoyed every now and then.

Though..I do wonder WHY?

Why this context?

Why this medium?

Context is easy. Another form of therapy. Simple.

And this medium because there are some sense of comfort in knowing that this platform makes it able to reach another person. As yet another form of me feeding that narcissistic needs of mine.

The repercussion of exposing this side of me here? Is something that I am willing to experience.

I do believe that we only grow as a human when we've overcome crisis. Maybe wise maybe not.
But I know that I'm ready to embrace the good and the bad. Both.

So yes. I've decided. This shall remain the way it is. I shall write whenever I feel like and whatever I like.

XX

Loving me

Letting myself go entirely.

Unhappy still.

I have learnt to be grateful. So what do I have?

Everything. But still I feel so lonely. How do I overcome this?

I just need some kind of motivation. Help.

I know that this space has become so depressive, but this is how I am. What I am now.

I know that I have so much to offer and I shall and will not settle for less.

Still so confused and lost.

Perhaps it is now time to really detach and disassociate from everything. Just detach. Stop searching. Stop thinking,,,,for a bit.

In the end I know I love myself way too much to feel this way.

Goodnight.

Unwell

Cigarette in hand, Portishead on, wet in my towel after a quick unsatisfied shower. Gained weight because I overate. I look myself in the mirror not happy with how I look, do I have body dysmorphia or is this just self-loathing?

I know that I should be taking better care of myself. But still I gave in and lose control.


Feels like an addict but no, I'm not on drugs. This is worse than any drug or alcohol addiction - just as self-destructive. I am unwell.

How I wish I'm strong enough to face this. Life.

Shine bitch!

Disappointment and pain.

Let's write about that, and how these two lead to me being and feeling detached for most things. In particular...my emotions.

I came across a quote shared by a friend prior to writing this. It was about living vs existing; and that is it about all of these corny quotes, it makes you reflect despite how corny it is. So I reflected and came to this. Not being able to feel is like you are not living, though I have some sense of motivation now but it I am still unable to feel as if I'm living this life to its fullest! and I missed that.

Of course I went on the internet and  read about how depression and anxiety resulted in detachment amongst its sufferers; this is due to imbalance of serotonin levels in the brain (its always about this serotonin) and these two mental illness often arise from disappointment and pain. (please dont take whatever you read on the net word for word)

Detachment is good for some moments; it is one of my favourite defense mechanism to whatever shitty things that I am facing now. But some part of me misses having emotions.

So here I am, still on this forever journey of recovery looking for that sparkle in my life. However, I noticed that it's easy to look for that sparkle from someone else, hence I am reminding myself to look for that sparkle from within.

Come on! Shine Bitch

Of Grammar and I Couldn’t Care Less

It’s almost half past 5. Been awake since 4, in the morning of course.

The plan was to get some chores done but now I’m getting a little bit groggy and have actually spent more than an hour on social media.

Hence reread my own blogpost I did.

There are one too many grammar mistakes, perhaps one day I’ll improve on proofreading my stuff prior to getting them published.

As of now, I couldn’t care about it – I wrote what I feel – its raw feelings I’m letting out here.

C'est moi, c'est tout....I am only human

Bonjour tout le monde.

Woke up today with a terrible terrible feeling. I have to admit that food plays a major role in my life. Nonetheless food is essential for human being, it is our fuel to get our body going. water to repair the cells, calories for energy and organ functions. Women particularly, need fat for hormone maintenance and reproduction system.

Why again am I talking about food?

Something happened last night, I admit that I haven't been taking care of myself properly and been focusing on all the wrong aspects of life. What I'm going through can be similarly considered as culture shock, but not at all cultural, instead it is a shock, life shock!

I'm writing in the hopes that I could finally unveil what the problem really is. So here goes.....

Last night, my flatmate having a party at home, its not that I'm tempted at all, I have been having fun for weeks living abroad, meeting people that I totally neglect the real reason that I'm here for. My future. Personal life have been going up and down, up and down again, but i guess that is just how life is. I have to learn how to accept that and how to cope with it.

Oh, before I go on any further, rambling about whatever there is in my head. I did something, I binge. But I didn't purge regardless how sick I felt last night, because, I made a promise to myself that I am not going through that cycle again. never ever!

I read somewhere that it's okay to binge, that I am not alone in this, it's good that I realise that there's a problem behind what I just did. I made a list prior to writing this. It's on my board to remind me everyday that I am only human and I can get through this. The list goes something like this:

I binge because.....

• I felt something is missing, incomplete, it makes me bored
• I am scared of my masters degree, stress and I don't know how to cope with it
• I failed myself as I didn't set my priorities straight

And most importantly, I felt that I haven't been taking good care of myself. A note to self, if you don't care of yourself, who will?

Hence, another challenge in life to get things straight again!

Was

Was, is a word of the past,
Associated with time and situation that goes so fast,
Reminisced of thy self in back tenses.
So there I was thinking of only one self full of pretenses.

I was young, I was naive,
The cliché words often uttered,
With sentences lingered,
I took but not give.

'If only' are the thoughts of the present,
Still looking backwards I did,
Confusion, guilt and regret
Are often entangled in my mental net.

The steps placed on the ground,
Are easily erased but still I cant rewind,
Can we really know the fore and the hind?
That is why 'was' always linger in my mind.