Of Grammar and I Couldn’t Care Less

It’s almost half past 5. Been awake since 4, in the morning of course.

The plan was to get some chores done but now I’m getting a little bit groggy and have actually spent more than an hour on social media.

Hence reread my own blogpost I did.

There are one too many grammar mistakes, perhaps one day I’ll improve on proofreading my stuff prior to getting them published.

As of now, I couldn’t care about it – I wrote what I feel – its raw feelings I’m letting out here.

C'est moi, c'est tout....I am only human

Bonjour tout le monde.

Woke up today with a terrible terrible feeling. I have to admit that food plays a major role in my life. Nonetheless food is essential for human being, it is our fuel to get our body going. water to repair the cells, calories for energy and organ functions. Women particularly, need fat for hormone maintenance and reproduction system.

Why again am I talking about food?

Something happened last night, I admit that I haven't been taking care of myself properly and been focusing on all the wrong aspects of life. What I'm going through can be similarly considered as culture shock, but not at all cultural, instead it is a shock, life shock!

I'm writing in the hopes that I could finally unveil what the problem really is. So here goes.....

Last night, my flatmate having a party at home, its not that I'm tempted at all, I have been having fun for weeks living abroad, meeting people that I totally neglect the real reason that I'm here for. My future. Personal life have been going up and down, up and down again, but i guess that is just how life is. I have to learn how to accept that and how to cope with it.

Oh, before I go on any further, rambling about whatever there is in my head. I did something, I binge. But I didn't purge regardless how sick I felt last night, because, I made a promise to myself that I am not going through that cycle again. never ever!

I read somewhere that it's okay to binge, that I am not alone in this, it's good that I realise that there's a problem behind what I just did. I made a list prior to writing this. It's on my board to remind me everyday that I am only human and I can get through this. The list goes something like this:

I binge because.....

• I felt something is missing, incomplete, it makes me bored
• I am scared of my masters degree, stress and I don't know how to cope with it
• I failed myself as I didn't set my priorities straight

And most importantly, I felt that I haven't been taking good care of myself. A note to self, if you don't care of yourself, who will?

Hence, another challenge in life to get things straight again!

Was

Was, is a word of the past,
Associated with time and situation that goes so fast,
Reminisced of thy self in back tenses.
So there I was thinking of only one self full of pretenses.

I was young, I was naive,
The cliché words often uttered,
With sentences lingered,
I took but not give.

'If only' are the thoughts of the present,
Still looking backwards I did,
Confusion, guilt and regret
Are often entangled in my mental net.

The steps placed on the ground,
Are easily erased but still I cant rewind,
Can we really know the fore and the hind?
That is why 'was' always linger in my mind.

Revisited

Bonsoir tout le monde.


So again I was missing. I don't know why but I can't get myself to write these days. I have to say that I have a very very fortunate life. Yes, life now is going great and I was given the opportunity to go to Istanbul, which all of you may have know that the land is rich with history. I am not a history buff per se but Istanbul was a fascinating city. And it was the first time that I had encountered an issue called communication break down as I don't speak a word of Turkish.

Yes! My first!

Having been to Istanbul reflected that I have never actually been outside of my comfort zone, places I've visited its either Anglophone or Francophone. I'm not saying that my French is perfect but it's a familiar language. I've been to Holland but everybody seems to speak good English there, hence pas de probleme. But Istanbul.....my my....

Nonetheless, Istanbul is a great city, an old one I must say. Food is great and I have to say on the healthier side (as I observed, not many fast food joint, kudos Istanbul!), attractions are simply AMAZING and for a cat lover like me....it is filled with cats!!! Being a Muslim I have only but one feeling which is proud when I visited Istanbul, to see how amazing the Muslim civilisation there during the Ottoman period is just breathtaking and it is what I'm more salient of. But I'm sure the city could relate to others regardless of beliefs, given that it was held by the Greeks and then the Romans, and how the amazing Hagia Sophia / Ayasofya was previously a massive church during Justinian period and then converted into a mosque when Ottoman came. Its a massive building built thousands of years ago. AH-MAZING!

Yes, one word I can conclude Istanbul is AMAZING!!! And as I was there during winter, I was able to try some of their seasonal delicacies such as Salep and Hamsi. Salep as I would describe it to my friends as a drink that tasted like cinnamon bun/roll and Hamsi is a fish dish, more or less like anchovies which are fried.  And I just figured my ultimate winter comfort food is the Turkish lentil soup. It is so 'yummy in the tummy', I kind of disagree with that expression, it is our taste bud that enjoyed all the delicious taste not our tummy; tummy just feel stuffed, satisfied or hungry.  

As for photos, there are several I took but not much as it was cold and I prefer to let my palms be in my pocket. Yes, despite how many times that I've stayed in cold climate places (nothing extreme btw) I'm still adjusting to the weather.

Okay, back to photos, I will upload it in a separate post as I consider myself a nomad now. And....as an update, I am alive and well in Newcastle. Soon I shall begin my semester and for a moment I think I will neglect this blog once again as I would normally do. If you are able to track my instagram, there's a snippet of photos of Istanbul and several other places I've visited.

As for Newcastle, I was just reading a friend's blog the other day and how he mentioned that coming back to Newcastle for the second time brings a different kind of feeling, there's no longer the excitement as when he felt the first time here. Yes, I can relate to that perfectly as that is what I'm feeling too. However, I am excited for my trip to Leeds tomorrow as I will meet one very cute cheeky boy and a new addition to the family, my two nephews! More or less I will try to be more productive here. Hey! its hard to keep up in this age of technology, I have instagram to upload photos to, facebook to socialise and here to rant. Haha

A la prochaine fois

XX

Finding Balance

Balance...What is balance? Is it fairness? Equality?

One thing I learnt in grad school is that definitions are not constrained to a single idea because people interpret ideas differently and the logic between people varies greatly. Nonetheless, definitions are still important as a guideline for us to study further about a particular issue.

Personally for me, balance is important, not to mention being born into the Libra sign (cliche!) I am all about balance. Libra is visualise or symbolise as a scale and that is what I did today. Jump onto the scale and find myself weighing 56kg. Yes, it is important for me to bear in mind that the numbers on the scale are nothing than just merely numbers and it should never ever dictates other aspects of me. Nevertheless, given my history with eating disorder this kinda disturb me a little bit.

Being at this weight I know that I am going to the overweight direction and I have no other people to blame other than myself because I have been overeating. I am not sure why I can't control myself with food, and also the fact that I am always hungry. And believe me how I've missed being normal and not to analyse and think about food, calories etc.

I am sure how I've let myself to be from one end to another. Previously, I was literally starving myself, and now I can't stop shoving food inside of my mouth. Why I can't find the balance about eating? Therefore, for the month of November, I shall focus solely on finding my balance battling this demon of mine and hope to have a better self control and to fully recover.

Wish me luck. xx 

Happy bean

Beans, good source of protein, the culprit to some gas problems.

One type of bean in particular that makes me hype and happy on this very moment is coffee. Well, not exactly the beans, but basically the caffeine. However, it baffles me a bit that I'm so happy on this very moment and I don't know why. Perhaps it is the after effect of caffeine or perhaps it is just simply that I am content with life, as of now.......I have all the time in the world to solely focus on myself, not the traffic (currently unemployed) and everything else in life seems to flow smoothly.

But I still have this one particular issue I have in mind...but everything seems to be under control and I shall gain control.

As promised, there will be a life update on this post.

And so, as of April 2013, I have gotten  my ass back to my beloved country Malaysia (which I'm glad I did) in attempts to recover and find myself. And another fact that my previous visa was curtailed, thus I have no other choice than coming back home. I did get my life out of control for the first month, party and what not.Then I got a job. Wasn't happy with the first one, then I got another job. However now, I have ended my stint and enjoying a purrrfect holiday before my study commences.

As far as study goes, I admit that I haven't paid much attention to it and I particularly enjoyed life as a bum. This time around I'm pretty confident that I'll nailed it, not that I have that high of expectations of myself, but graduating itself is enough. Getting a distinction will be a bonus, but earning a MA will suffice for me to proceed on to the next chapter in life, which is career.

Currently, I am focusing on rebuilding myself with a stronger sense of control as I've recovered from one thing, but I enjoyed food so much until it kinda get overboard a tiny bit, its okay, it is better to be alive and healthy than thin and depressed. Plus, I'm glad that I am not that obsessive about body image as before and actually focuses on other things in life rather than just that.

I renewed my looks, took better care of myself (apparently this is only accomplishesd while I was at my mom's) and swimming happily with the things i love....piercings!!! Haha, it seems that I might be going to that phase again in life, perhaps looking dark and rebellious is my kinda of thing. It makes me happy though, yeah...totally the opposite of my appearance. But who cares.

And...I have lost my train of thoughts.

My current activity for today, is catching up on watching all these tv series, which actually what inspires me to write more actively. It makes me dream.....So, to end this amazingly boring and full of crap post, I quote Lennon 'You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.'

Keep on dreaming big and go after it! Make it happen.

P/S: Got my visa earlier today, maybe thats why Imma happy bean :)  

Starting new.

Hey guys.

I know that I may not have that much of readers out there, but I'm thinking of revamping all my social medias. Starting new. Since I figured that I sort of have a new voice in writing, and having browse through all my previous posts and is filled with silly things about me, and how people can easily judge how childish and untalented I am in writing.....

It is just a thought I have at the moment. Will have to think it through.....Sleep on it perhaps.