Was

Was, is a word of the past,
Associated with time and situation that goes so fast,
Reminisced of thy self in back tenses.
So there I was thinking of only one self full of pretenses.

I was young, I was naive,
The cliché words often uttered,
With sentences lingered,
I took but not give.

'If only' are the thoughts of the present,
Still looking backwards I did,
Confusion, guilt and regret
Are often entangled in my mental net.

The steps placed on the ground,
Are easily erased but still I cant rewind,
Can we really know the fore and the hind?
That is why 'was' always linger in my mind.

Revisited

Bonsoir tout le monde.


So again I was missing. I don't know why but I can't get myself to write these days. I have to say that I have a very very fortunate life. Yes, life now is going great and I was given the opportunity to go to Istanbul, which all of you may have know that the land is rich with history. I am not a history buff per se but Istanbul was a fascinating city. And it was the first time that I had encountered an issue called communication break down as I don't speak a word of Turkish.

Yes! My first!

Having been to Istanbul reflected that I have never actually been outside of my comfort zone, places I've visited its either Anglophone or Francophone. I'm not saying that my French is perfect but it's a familiar language. I've been to Holland but everybody seems to speak good English there, hence pas de probleme. But Istanbul.....my my....

Nonetheless, Istanbul is a great city, an old one I must say. Food is great and I have to say on the healthier side (as I observed, not many fast food joint, kudos Istanbul!), attractions are simply AMAZING and for a cat lover like me....it is filled with cats!!! Being a Muslim I have only but one feeling which is proud when I visited Istanbul, to see how amazing the Muslim civilisation there during the Ottoman period is just breathtaking and it is what I'm more salient of. But I'm sure the city could relate to others regardless of beliefs, given that it was held by the Greeks and then the Romans, and how the amazing Hagia Sophia / Ayasofya was previously a massive church during Justinian period and then converted into a mosque when Ottoman came. Its a massive building built thousands of years ago. AH-MAZING!

Yes, one word I can conclude Istanbul is AMAZING!!! And as I was there during winter, I was able to try some of their seasonal delicacies such as Salep and Hamsi. Salep as I would describe it to my friends as a drink that tasted like cinnamon bun/roll and Hamsi is a fish dish, more or less like anchovies which are fried.  And I just figured my ultimate winter comfort food is the Turkish lentil soup. It is so 'yummy in the tummy', I kind of disagree with that expression, it is our taste bud that enjoyed all the delicious taste not our tummy; tummy just feel stuffed, satisfied or hungry.  

As for photos, there are several I took but not much as it was cold and I prefer to let my palms be in my pocket. Yes, despite how many times that I've stayed in cold climate places (nothing extreme btw) I'm still adjusting to the weather.

Okay, back to photos, I will upload it in a separate post as I consider myself a nomad now. And....as an update, I am alive and well in Newcastle. Soon I shall begin my semester and for a moment I think I will neglect this blog once again as I would normally do. If you are able to track my instagram, there's a snippet of photos of Istanbul and several other places I've visited.

As for Newcastle, I was just reading a friend's blog the other day and how he mentioned that coming back to Newcastle for the second time brings a different kind of feeling, there's no longer the excitement as when he felt the first time here. Yes, I can relate to that perfectly as that is what I'm feeling too. However, I am excited for my trip to Leeds tomorrow as I will meet one very cute cheeky boy and a new addition to the family, my two nephews! More or less I will try to be more productive here. Hey! its hard to keep up in this age of technology, I have instagram to upload photos to, facebook to socialise and here to rant. Haha

A la prochaine fois

XX

Finding Balance

Balance...What is balance? Is it fairness? Equality?

One thing I learnt in grad school is that definitions are not constrained to a single idea because people interpret ideas differently and the logic between people varies greatly. Nonetheless, definitions are still important as a guideline for us to study further about a particular issue.

Personally for me, balance is important, not to mention being born into the Libra sign (cliche!) I am all about balance. Libra is visualise or symbolise as a scale and that is what I did today. Jump onto the scale and find myself weighing 56kg. Yes, it is important for me to bear in mind that the numbers on the scale are nothing than just merely numbers and it should never ever dictates other aspects of me. Nevertheless, given my history with eating disorder this kinda disturb me a little bit.

Being at this weight I know that I am going to the overweight direction and I have no other people to blame other than myself because I have been overeating. I am not sure why I can't control myself with food, and also the fact that I am always hungry. And believe me how I've missed being normal and not to analyse and think about food, calories etc.

I am sure how I've let myself to be from one end to another. Previously, I was literally starving myself, and now I can't stop shoving food inside of my mouth. Why I can't find the balance about eating? Therefore, for the month of November, I shall focus solely on finding my balance battling this demon of mine and hope to have a better self control and to fully recover.

Wish me luck. xx 

Happy bean

Beans, good source of protein, the culprit to some gas problems.

One type of bean in particular that makes me hype and happy on this very moment is coffee. Well, not exactly the beans, but basically the caffeine. However, it baffles me a bit that I'm so happy on this very moment and I don't know why. Perhaps it is the after effect of caffeine or perhaps it is just simply that I am content with life, as of now.......I have all the time in the world to solely focus on myself, not the traffic (currently unemployed) and everything else in life seems to flow smoothly.

But I still have this one particular issue I have in mind...but everything seems to be under control and I shall gain control.

As promised, there will be a life update on this post.

And so, as of April 2013, I have gotten  my ass back to my beloved country Malaysia (which I'm glad I did) in attempts to recover and find myself. And another fact that my previous visa was curtailed, thus I have no other choice than coming back home. I did get my life out of control for the first month, party and what not.Then I got a job. Wasn't happy with the first one, then I got another job. However now, I have ended my stint and enjoying a purrrfect holiday before my study commences.

As far as study goes, I admit that I haven't paid much attention to it and I particularly enjoyed life as a bum. This time around I'm pretty confident that I'll nailed it, not that I have that high of expectations of myself, but graduating itself is enough. Getting a distinction will be a bonus, but earning a MA will suffice for me to proceed on to the next chapter in life, which is career.

Currently, I am focusing on rebuilding myself with a stronger sense of control as I've recovered from one thing, but I enjoyed food so much until it kinda get overboard a tiny bit, its okay, it is better to be alive and healthy than thin and depressed. Plus, I'm glad that I am not that obsessive about body image as before and actually focuses on other things in life rather than just that.

I renewed my looks, took better care of myself (apparently this is only accomplishesd while I was at my mom's) and swimming happily with the things i love....piercings!!! Haha, it seems that I might be going to that phase again in life, perhaps looking dark and rebellious is my kinda of thing. It makes me happy though, yeah...totally the opposite of my appearance. But who cares.

And...I have lost my train of thoughts.

My current activity for today, is catching up on watching all these tv series, which actually what inspires me to write more actively. It makes me dream.....So, to end this amazingly boring and full of crap post, I quote Lennon 'You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.'

Keep on dreaming big and go after it! Make it happen.

P/S: Got my visa earlier today, maybe thats why Imma happy bean :)  

Starting new.

Hey guys.

I know that I may not have that much of readers out there, but I'm thinking of revamping all my social medias. Starting new. Since I figured that I sort of have a new voice in writing, and having browse through all my previous posts and is filled with silly things about me, and how people can easily judge how childish and untalented I am in writing.....

It is just a thought I have at the moment. Will have to think it through.....Sleep on it perhaps.  

The little push

Bonjour tout le monde, or should i say bonsoir...

A friend told me that I haven't been writing for quite sometime, and he mentioned it is good for me to keep on writing to get my life and myself in check. I guess he was right. I never really want to be a writer nor do I have the flare in writing, but writing for me is something personal, a way of expressing what I feel or think. Of course part of me is glad that I may not have that much number of page views or I have any fans or any following or what not, or else I will seriously jeopardising myself with whatever crap I put on here. Perhaps that is why I am NOT a writer. Nonetheless, the issue or matter at hand here is the little push that we as human being needs in life.

Well, apart from that 'push' given by a friend, I have spent my weekend watching The Carrie Diaries. Childish as it may seem, but I don't think that the issues highlighted in that series are really that childish. Watching it as a fan of SATC well...Sex and the City to some of you that aren't familiar with the acronym, I enjoyed it. Loved Larissa....uh!! how I wished I could meet my Larissa at the age of 16 and give me the push to pursue my dreams, be my own person and have my own power in my own life. One of the main reason why I love SATC so much is that, the OBVIOUS ladies issues, and how it 'somehow' affirming that I'm not the only one thinks or feel that way. The silly dirty jokes that we all love, the adorable characters but my number one reason is that, its okay to dream, and to go after your dream and its okay to break and fell apart but it is important that we rise back up and pick ourselves again. Well....the theme continues in The Carrie Diaries...keep on dreaming ladies because you never know that it might just come true.

And.....watching Carrie Bradshaw writes, makes me want to write again, another push perhaps? Although, I don't really have anything much to say at the moment, apart from the fact that I have start to live again! Ho yeah! Finding my own self and learning to love myself have become and on going process that will never end. Hey, we are human and thats what we do, we learn and continue to learn until....who knows when. Have I digress so far from the topic now? But think about it guys. It may not be in everything we do that we needed the 'push' but a push is necessary to get life going.

As I was writing the last sentence above, a thought have came to me. Maybe that whatever have occurred to me in the last year was a big push for me, yes it have pushed me straight off cliff until I have to stop everything, regroup myself again to learn and to know myself, not me with anybody, just me as Ilya. I guess such occurrence was the push I needed to learn more about life and to appreciate life itself. And maybe, to appreciate myself better. Believe me, I have never been happier after I've done so, but journey is not ending, this is only the beginning of something amazing.

A la prochaine fois. XX

P/S: I will put up another post on life update next. Looking forward for more uplifting post compared to all these dark and depressing posts previously. I promised! XOXO

Disappointment

Bonsoir.....

Anyhow, I'm dedicating this post from a major disappointment I'm feeling right now. It was just last week that I have made a resolution to make myself better. Nonetheless, my progress in fitness have gone down the drain. I stopped 3rd quarter way through my plyometric cardio circuit. BooHoo!

A resolution I mentioned there? Yes. Ever since I've entered this phase of life, being single again that is, I have manage to occupy myself with myself, as the saying goes...only you can take care of yourself, so do the best for you and not anyone else. Anyhow, the fasting month passed, and we're half way through the month of Syawal. As most Malaysians are aware, the month of Syawal is the month you eat like a monster. LOL at least I did. Perhaps that was the reason behind my bad bad performance. And maybe due to excessive nicotine intake....huff le puff as i called it.

My resolution is fairly simple, I battled with eating disorder, hence recovery is on the list, getting fit and healthy (and this can be achieve through balance diet and insane workout regime) and last but not least, to be more spiritual. I believe that this is the recipe to be happy = lead a healthy balance life. Nevertheless, I am a Libra, hence I'm all about the balance baybeh.

Well, today gotta be a short one. I shall do my plyometric cardio circuit tomorrow and hope for better performance. I have managed to eat half clean today. But at least I didn't eat like a monster today.

A la prochaine fois!

xx